


Stannis Baratheon and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by jenofvengerberg



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No-Good Very Bad Day - Judith Viorst, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Children's Literature, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 01:38:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3190961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenofvengerberg/pseuds/jenofvengerberg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based off the children's book. Apologies in advance if this has already been done, no apologies for anything else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stannis Baratheon and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I went to bed with onion in my teeth and when I woke up I had onion breath and then I dropped my favourite cloak in the Blackwater Bay and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

At breakfast Melisandre had a shadow assassin and Shireen found a toy dragon in her cereal, but for my breakfast I just had plain old book glue broth. I think I'll move to the Dothraki Sea.

On the ship ride to The Wall, Selyse got a port view and Davos got a Starboard view. I said I was being scrunched. I said I was being smushed. I said I was Stannis of the House Baratheon, First of my Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Rightful Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm and that if I didn't get a seat by the side I was going to be shipsick. No one even answered. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At the Small Council, Varys liked Littlefinger's Mastering of Coin more than he liked my Mastering of Ships. At the Iron Bank of Braavos they said I was short sixteen gold dragons to hire an army to take on the wildlings. Who needs sixteen?

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day because Davos told me I wasn't his God anymore. He said that The Stranger was his God and that R'hollr was his next God and that I was only his third God. I hope you sit on a dragon tooth, I said to Davos. I hope the next time you get a pigeon pie that the pigeon flies right out of the pie and lands right in the middle of the Dothraki Sea.

There were two flasks of wine with Robert's lunch and Renly got candied almonds and Highgarden peaches and Joffrey had lemon cakes. Guess whose servant forgot to serve him his meal? It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I went to the Wall and Jon Snow said to burn the bodies or they'll be wights by next week. Next week, I said, I'm moving to the Dothraki Sea.

I told the King-Beyond-the-Wall to kneel and he said Free Folk don't kneel but then did it where it was muddy and got my maille muddy and when I was swordfighting him over it Melisandre came and scolded me for being muddy and fighting. I was having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day, I told everyone. No one even answered their King.

So then we went to the Free Cities to recruit men. Davos chose pirates. Melisandre chose R'hollr worshippers. I wanted freeriders but they were sold out and made me just get regular sellswords but they can't make me use them.

We visited the Maester and we couldn't touch his books but I forgot. He said watch out for the alchemy on his desk and I was careful as I could be expect for my elbow. He also told us not to touch his ravens but I think I messaged the Dothraki Sea. The Maester said not to visit anymore.

There was fish for dinner and I hate fish. Shireen's storybook had First Swords of Braavos and I hate First Swords of Braavos. The ritual burnings on the shore were too hot and I got ash in my eye. I had to wear Renly's old chemise to sleep and I hate his old chemise because I still have nightmares about his demise, and because the old chemise smells like Ser Loras. Selyse kept all the stillborns in jars she said she'd get rid of, and the torches burned out and I bit my tongue. Melisandre wants to sleep with Gendry, not with me.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

Davos says that some days are like that. Even in the Dothraki Sea.

 


End file.
